@TheMichaelRock: Live a little, ask her "are ya done?" while she's still yelling at you.
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@LackOfShame: *Goes to bathroom *Reaches down to unzip *Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours *Starts wearing underwear
@CherBear162: Where's my cell? "Right there." That's not my phone. "Yes it is. I cleaned it!" My cell's white?
@AndyAsAdjective: "I" before "E", except after "C". That's an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep...efficient.
@hazelmotes1: Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or treaters come by! Me: wha? Her: Because all the candy is gone Me: Ooooh right. So many.