Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I feel this so hard
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.