@davedittell: well, son, we named you after where you were conceived; that's why you're called The Frightening, Tyrannical Hellscape of Obama's America
@martinMmorrow: Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let's just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.
@TheBoydP: Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
@alexlumaga: Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
@Christweetpher_: [jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
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