Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
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Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.