@joejwest: DAD: Sorry it's not a pony, honey. Best I could do LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

@DaddyJew: Interviewer: what's ur biggest flaw? Me: I tend to incorrectly correct people I: but ur resume is impeccable M: I think u mean unpeccable

@BaileyXPaige: [at the gym] Trainer: "Why don't you tell me what your workout goals are." Me: "Goals? I'm just here so I don't eat for an hour."

@sophielou: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It's because you are feeding them bread Karen.

@TEXASVETERAN: Neighbor thinks I'm stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified! Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.