@davedittell: well, son, we named you after where you were conceived; that's why you're called The Frightening, Tyrannical Hellscape of Obama's America

@martinMmorrow: Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let's just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.

@TheBoydP: Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

@alexlumaga: Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all Scientist: why do they say that? Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

@Christweetpher_: [jail] INMATE: so what are ya in for? BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession INMATE: goddam pigs