@coryrichardson_: [at wife's office party] wife: don't show anybody your tattoo of ratatouille me: [to her boss, immediately] wanna see my ratattooie

@WilliamRodgers: TRUE STORY Just made this restaurant change its "All you can drink Brunch" Policy.

@AlexvanBeek: A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

@naughty_aditi: Me: I'm gonna lose weight. Me: I'm gonna exercise every day. Me: I'm gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?

@jp_mcdade: Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they're into sports. *meets someone who's really into politics* Wow, I wish I was dead.