If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
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Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away