Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.