@aveuaskew: Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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@nonchalantnacho: Dear family, Since I am unemployed, for Christmas you have a choice of a hug or I'll rap Eminem songs for 5 minutes for you. Love, Danielle
@FlyJ_: My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
@MavenofHonor: I'm enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else "smells smoke" and "thinks we should leave the conference room"