Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I have so many questions.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”