Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
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Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Vodka burrito was a success
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
😲 WTF? 😆
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.