[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
You Might Also Like
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
New menu item
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂