@bencoffeehall: Living in Switzerland wouldn't be so bad. The flag is a plus.
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@Amrrwise: Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...
@jp_mcdade: Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they're into sports. *meets someone who's really into politics* Wow, I wish I was dead.
@shadygeekdad: I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!"
@mattZillaaaa: My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like "no, I went out last night"