Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
You Might Also Like
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
For the ones in the back.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.