Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
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Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.