“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
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I don’t know what to do
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
hmmm
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
The internet is full of many things
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.