@shadygeekdad: Living well isn't the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.
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@CrashTestDrummy: A Jehovah's Witness followed me. I think I'll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes...
@tat2dsoccermom: So, this co-worker stated that she makes ice cubes with her leftover alcohol. I'm confused. What's leftover alcohol?
@DaddyJew: Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets Me: Not right now I'm working Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one