Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.