Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
You Might Also Like
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too