“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
You Might Also Like
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.