My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.