@BroHumor: LMAO 😂😂
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@BlindChow: [aircraft carrier] *paints a T on the helipad* Captain: No it has to have an H Me: Why? *train sounds approaching* Captain: Oh dear god
@alfageeek: My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
@longwall26: I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I'm moving too fast, but I'd like permission to rename your cat.
@iAmDelFreaky: Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles* Him: What's funny? Me: Nothing. Him: *presses button, explodes, dies* Me: Ha! Photo bombed!