Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.