During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
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My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?