Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
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sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?