I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
How is it still this week?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
*launders Kohls cash*
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.