Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
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It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
*Seductively hides in the woods
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Autocorrect completely socks
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Simple
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*