Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
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The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity