Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
That earthquake could have been an email.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
welcome back
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.