Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
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ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes