I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
i was baptized in a car wash
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong