Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
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As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Breaking news:
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future