Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
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Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
dam girl
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay