Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Probably my best painting.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.