Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
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Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.