[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
your honor my client chooses dare
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.