My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
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[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
*launders Kohls cash*
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy