Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
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Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
iPhone X
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Don’t tell me what to do
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes