Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Goodnight 🐶
😂😂
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
This can never not be funny 😭😭