My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
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KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
me after eating Cheetos
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Ugh
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)