guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
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listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
so much to do
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?