My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
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Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!