Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Beauty and the Beast
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.