my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
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Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends