Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Pringles
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.