Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
You Might Also Like
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Every time my phone rings
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…