When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
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SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.