Lmfao
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Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.