Lmfao
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.