You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
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Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Phonetics
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My favorite type of men is ramen.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”