Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
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Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.