Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments: