6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
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The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.