I need this for my side hustle.
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I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?