@NikiWithIssues: A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.

@GrantTanaka: *sees burglar *throws flashlight at him *misses *throws another *misses *throws another *misses *throws another Burglar: WTF Me: COSTCO

@ElKnuckelhombre: A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

@Rich_McCarthy: Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

@HatfieldAnne: When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.