Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
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Every time my phone rings
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Growing up was a huge mistake
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter